modern race of Syncopists, and thoroughly content my English readers, I intend shortly to publish a SPECTATOR, that shall not have a single vowel in it. No. 568. FRIDAY, JULY 16. -Dum recitas, incipit effe tuus. Reciting makes it thine. MART. Ep. xxxix. lib. 1. I Was yesterday in a coffee-houfe not far from the Royal Exchange, where I observed three perfons in close conference over a pipe of tobacco; upon which, having filled one for my own use, I lighted it at the little wax-candle that flood before them; and, after having thrown in two or three whiffs amongst them, fat down, and made one of the company. I need not tell my reader, that lighting a man's pipe at the fame candle, is looked upon among brotherfmokers as an overture to conversation and friend → ship. As we here laid our heads together in a very amicable manner, being entrenched under a cloud of our own raifing, I took up the last SPECTATOR, and cafting my eye over it, The SPECTATOR, fays I, is very witty to-day; upon which a lusty lethargic old gentleman, who fat at the upper end of the table, having gradually blown out of his mouth a great deal of smoke, which he had been collecting for fome time before, Ay, says he, more witty than wife, I am afraid. His neighbour, who fat at his right hand, immediately coloured, and, being an angry politician, laid down his pipe with fo much wrath, that he broke it in the middle, and by that means, furnished me with a tobacco stopper. I took it up very fedately, and, looking him full in the face, made use of it from time to time, all the while he was was speaking: This fellow, fays he, can't for his life keep out of politics. Do you see how he abuses four great men here? I fixed my eye very attentively on the paper, and asked him if he meant those who were represented by asterisks. Asterisks, says he, do you call them? they are all of them stars. He might as well have put garters to 'em. Then pray do but mind the two or three next lines : ch-rch and p-dd-ng in the fame fentence! Our clergy are very much beholden to him. Upon this the third gentleman, who was of a mild disposition, and, as I found, a Whig in his heart, defired him not to be too severe upon the SPECTATOR neither: For, says he, you find he is very cautious of giving offence, and has therefore put two dasbes into his pudding. A fig for his dafb, says the angry politician. In his next fentence he gives a plain inuendo, that our posterity will be in a sweet pickle. What does the fool mean by his pickle? Why does he not write it at length, if he means honestly? I have read over the whole sentence, says Is but I look upon the parenthefis in the belly of it to be the most dangerous part, and as full of infinuations as it can hold. But who, says I, is my Lady Q-p-t-s? Ay, answer that if you can, Sir, says the furious statesman to the poor Whig that fat over-against him. But without giving him time to reply, I do affure you, says he, were 1 my Lady Q-p-t-s, I would fue him for fcandalum magnatum. What is the world come to? Must every body be allowed to ? He had by this time filled a new pipe, and applying it to his lips, when we expected the last word of his fentence, put us off with a whiff of tobacco; which he redoubled with so much rage and trepidation, that he almost stifled the whole company. After a short pause, I owned that I thought the SPECTATOR had gone too far in writing so many letters of my Lady 2p-t-s's name; but however, says I, he has made a little amends for it in his next sentence, where he leaves a blank space without so much as a confonant to to direct us. I mean, fays I, after those words, the fleet that used to be the terror of the ocean, should be wind-bound for the fake of a; after which enfues a chasm that, in my opinion, looks modest enough. Sir, fays my antagonist, you may easily know his meaning by his gaping; I suppose he designs his chafm, as you call it, for an hole to creep out at ; but I believe it will hardly ferve his turn. Who can endure to fee the great officers of state, the B-y's and T-t's treated after so scurrilous a manner? I can't for my life, says I, imagine who they are the SPECTATOR means? No! says he, Your humble fervant, Sir! Upon which he flung himself back in his chair after a contemptuous manner, and smiled upon the old lethargic gentleman on his left hand, who I found was his great admirer. The Whig, however, had begun to conceive a good-will towards me, and seeing my pipe out, very generously offered me the use of his box; but I declined it with great civility, being obliged to meet a friend about that time in another quarter of the city. At my leaving the coffee-house, I could not forbear reflecting with myself upon that gross tribe of > fools who may be termed the over-wife, and upon the difficulty of writing any thing in this cenforious age, which a weak head may not construe into private fatire, and personal reflection. A man who has a good nose at an inuendo, smells treafon and sedition in the most innocent words that can be put together, and never fees a vice or folly stigmatized, but finds out one or other of his acquaintance pointed at by the writer. I remember an empty pragmatical fellow in the country, who, upon reading over The Whole Duty of Man, had written the names of several persons in the village at the fide of every fin which is mentioned by that excellent author; so that he had converted one of the best books in the world into a libel against the 'squire, church-wardens, overseers of the poor, and all other the the most confiderable persons in the parish. This book, with these extraordinary marginal notes, fell accidentally into the hands of one who had never feen it before; upon which there arose a current report, that fomebody had written a book against the 'squire, and the whole parish. The minister of the place having at that time a controversy with some of his congregation, upon the account of his tithes, was under some fufpicion of being the author, until the good man fet his people right, by shewing them that the fatirical passages might be applied to several others of two or three neighbouring villages, and that the book was writ againft all the finners in England. No. 569. MONDAY, JULY 19. Reges dicuntur multis urgere culullis Wife were the kings, who never chose a friend, ROSCOMMON NO vices are so incurable as those which men are apt to glory One would wonder how drunkenness should have the good luck to be of this number. Anacharfis being invited to a drinking. match at Corinth, demanded the prize very humouroufly, because he was drunk before any of the reft of the company: for, fays he, when we run a race, he who arrives at the goal first is entitled to the reward : on the contrary, in this thirsty generation, the honour falls upon him who carries off the greateft quantity quantity of liquor, and knocks down the rest of the company. I was the other day with honest Will Funnel, the West-Saxon, who was reckoning up how much liquor had paffed through him in the last twenty years of his life, which, according to his computation, amounted to twenty-three hogsheads of October, four tons of port, half a kilderkin of small beer, nineteen barrels of cyder, and three glasses of champaigne; belides which he had aflifted at four hundred bowls of punch, not to mention fips, drams, and whets without number. I question not but every reader's memory will suggest to him several ambitious young men, who are as vain in this particular as Will Funnel, and can boast of as glorious exploits. Our modern philosophers observe, that there is a general decay of moisture in the globe of the earth. This they chiefly ascribe to the growth of vegetables, which incorporate into their own substance many fluid bodies that never return again to their former nature: but, with fubmission, they ought to throw into their account those innumerable rational beings which fetch their nourishment chiefly out of liquids; especially when we consider that men, compared with their fellow-creatures, drink much more than comes to their share. But, however highly this tribe of people may think of themselves, a drunken man is a greater monster than any that is to be found among all the creatures which God has made; as indeed there is no character which appears more despicable and deformed, in the eyes of all reasonable perfons, than that of a drunkard. Bonofus, one of our own countrymen, who was addicted to this vice, having set up for a share in the Roman empire, and being defeated in a great battle, hanged himself. When he was seen by the army in this melancholy situation, notwithstanding he had behaved himself very bravely, the common jest was, that the thing they saw hanging upon the tree before them, was not a man but a bot tle. VOL. VIII + F This |