Mrs. H. I say you shan't. to catch me, I promise you. However, if he Tony. We'll see which is strongest, you be so young, so handsome, and so every thing, [Exit, hauling her out. as you mention, I believe he'll do still. I Hard. Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil think I'll have him.

or I.

each other. But is not the whole age in a Hard. Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. combination to drive sense and discretion out It's more than an even wager he may not of doors? There's my pretty darling Kate; have you.

the fashions of the times have almost infected Miss H. My dear papa, why will you morher too. By living a year or two in town, tify one so?-Well, if he refuses, instead of she is as fond of gauze and French frippery, breaking my heart at his indifference, I'll only as the best of them.

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE.

break my glass for its flattery; set my cap to some newer fashion, and look out for some less difficult admirer.

Hard. Blessings on my pretty innocence! Hard. Bravely resolved! In the mean time Dress'd out as usual, my Kate. Goodness! I'll go prepare the servants for his reception; what a quantity of superfluous silk hast thou as we seldom see company, they want as much got about thee, girl! I could never teach the training as a company of recruits the first fools of this age, that the indigent world could day's muster. [Exit. be clothed out of the trimmings of the vain. Miss H. Lud, this news of papa's puts me Miss H. You know our agreement, sir. You all in a flutter. Young, handsome; these he allow me the morning to receive and pay puts last; but I put them foremost. Sensible, visits, and to dress in my own manner; and good-natured; I like all that. But then rein the evening, I put on my housewife's dress to please you.

Hard. Well, remember I insist on the terms of our agreement: and, by-the-by, I believe I shall have occasion to try your obedience this very evening.

Miss H. I protest, sir, I don't comprehend your meaning.

served and sheepish; that's much against him. Yet can't he be cured of his timidity, by being taught to be proud of his wife? Yes, and can't I-But I vow I'm disposing of the busband, before I have secured the lover.

Enter Miss NEVILLE.

Miss H. I'm glad you're come, Neville, my dear. Tell me, Constance, how do I look this evening? Is there any thing whimsical about me? Is it one of my well looking days, child? am I in face to-day?

Hard. Then to be plain with you, Kate, I expect the young gentleman I have chosen to be your husband from town this very day. I have his father's letter, in which he informs me his son is set out, and that he intends to Miss N. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look follow himself shortly after. again-bless me! sure no accident has bapMiss H. Indeed! I wish I had known some-pened among the canary birds or the gold thing of this before. Bless me, how shall I fishes. Has your brother or the cat been behave? It's a thousand to one I shan't like meddling? Or has the last novel been too him; our meeting will be so formal, and so moving? like a thing of business, that I shall find no room for friendship or esteem.

Hard. Depend upon it, child, I'll never control your choice; Mr. Marlow, whom I have pitched upon, is the son of my old friend, sir Charles Marlow, of whom you have heard me talk so often. The young gentleman has been bred a scholar, and is designed for an employment in the service of his country. am told he's a man of an excellent understanding.

Miss H. Is he?

Hard. Very generous.

Miss H. I believe I shall like him.
Hard. Young and brave.

Miss H. I'm sure I shall like him.
Hard. And very handsome.

Miss H. No; nothing of all this. I have been threatened-I can scarce get it out-I have been threatened with a lover. Miss N. And his nameMiss H. Is Marlow. Miss N. Indeed!

Miss H. The son of sir Charles Marlow. Miss N. As I live, the most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my admirer. They are never asunder. I believe you must have seen him when we lived in town.

Miss H. Never.

Miss N. He's a very singular character, assure you. Among women of reputation and virtue, he is the modestest man alive; but his acquaintance give him a very different character among creatures of another stamp: you under

Miss H. My dear papa, say no more; [Kiss-stand me.

ing his Hand] he's mine, I'll have him.

Miss H. An odd character indeed. I shall Hard. And, to crown all, Kate, he's one of never be able to manage him. What shall I the most bashful and reserved young fellows do? Pshaw, think no more of him; but trust in the world.

Miss H. Eh! you have frozen me to death again. That word reserved has undone all the rest of his accomplishments. A reserved lover, it is said, always makes a suspicious husband.

to occurrences for success. But how goes on your own affair, my dear? has my mother been courting you for my brother Tony, as usual?

Miss N. I have just come from one of our agreeable tête-a-têtes. She has been saying a Hard. On the contrary, modesty seldom hundred tender things, and setting off her resides in a breast that is not enriched with pretty monster as the very pink of perfection. nobler virtues. It was the very feature in his character that first struck me.

Miss H. He must have more striking features

Miss H. And her partiality is such, that she actually thinks him so. A fortune like yours is no small temptation. Besides, as she has

the sole management of it, I'm not surprised to see her unwilling to let it go out of the family.

Omnes. Bravo, bravo.

1 Fel. The squire has got spunk in him. 2 Fel. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us nothing that's low.

3 Fel. O, damn any thing that's low; I can't bear it.

Miss N. A fortune like mine, which chiefly consists in jewels, is no such mighty temptation. But at any rate, if my dear Hastings be but constant, I make no doubt to be too 4 Fel. The genteel thing is the genteel thing hard for her at last. However, I let her sup-at any time, if so be that a gentleman bees pose that I am in love with her son, and she in a concatenation accordingly. never once dreams that my affections are fixed upon another.

3 Fel. I like the maxum of it, master Muggins. What though I am obligated to dance Miss H. My good brother holds out stoutly. a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all I could almost love him for hating you so. that. May this be my poison if my bear ever Miss N. It is a good natur'd creature at dances but to the very genteelest of tunes.bottom, and I'm sure would wish to see me "Vater parted," or the minuet in Ariadne. married to any body but himself. 2 Fel. What a pity it is the squire is aunt's bell rings for our afternoon's walk round not come to his own. It would be well the improvements. Allons, courage is neces- for all the publicans within ten miles round sary, as our affairs are critical..

But my

of him.

Miss H. Would it were bed time and all Tony. Ecod, and so it would, master Slang. were well. [Exeunt. I'd then show what it was to keep choice of

Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain,

With grammar, and nonsense, and learning;
Good liquor, I stoutly maintain,

Give genus a better discerning.
Let them brag of their heathenish gods,

Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians:
Their quis, and their quas, and their quods,
They're all but a parcel of pigeons.

Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.
When methodist preachers come down
A preaching that drinking is sinful,
I'll wager the rascals a crown,

They always preach best with a skinful.
But when you come down with your pence,
For a slice of their scurvy religion,
I'll leave it to all men of sense,
But you, my good friend, are the
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.

company.

2 Fel. Oh, he takes after his own father for that. To be sure old squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. For winding the straight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a wench, he never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, that he kept the best horses, dogs, and girls in the` whole county.

Tony. Ecod, and when I'm of age I'll be no bastard, I promise you. I have been thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller's grey mare to begin with. But come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay no reckoning. Well, Stingo, what's the matter?

Enter Landlord.

Land. There be two gentlemen in a postchaise at the door. They have lost their way upo' the forest, and they are talking something about Mr. Hardcastle,

Tony. As sure as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that's coming down to court my sister. Do they seem to be Londoners?

Land. I believe they may. They look woundily like Frenchmen.

Tony. Then desire them to step this way, and lord] Gentlemen, as they mayn't be good I'll set them right in a twinkling. [Exit Landenough company for you, step down for a moment, and I'll be with you in the squeezpigeoning of a lemon. [Exeunt Mob] Father-in-law has been calling me whelp, and hound, this half-year. Now if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old grumbletonian. But then I'm afraid of what! I shall soon be worth fifteen hundred a year, and let him frighten me out of that if he can.

Then come, put the jorum about,
And let us be merry and clever;
Our hearts and our liquours are stout;
Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever.
Let some cry up woodcock or hare,
Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons;
But of all the birds in the air,
Here's a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll,

Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW and
HASTINGS.

Mar. What a tedious, uncomfortable day have we had of it. We were told it was but forty miles across the country, and we have come above threescore.

) It is the business of the President at a free and easy! club, snch as this, to call to silence, proclaim a toast, call for a song, etc., by striking on the table with Hast. And all, Marlow, from that unachis hammer, which every one is bound to obey, under penalty of a fine of glasses round (a glass of whatever Countable reserve of yours, that would not the company is drinking to every person present), or let us inquire more frequently on the way. to drink a pint glass of salt and water, this, of course, Mar. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay myself under an obligation to every one

means as long as the members are not quite intoxicated.

I meet; and often stand the chance of an unmannerly answer.

Hast. At present, however, we are not likely to receive any answer.

Land. Alack, master, we have but one spare bed in the whole house.

Tony. And, to my knowledge, that's taken up by three lodgers already. [After a Pause, Tony. No offence, gentlemen; but I'm told in which the rest seem disconcerted] I have you have been inquiring for one Mr. Hard-hit it; don't you think, Stingo, our landlady could castle, in these parts. Do you know what part of the country you are in?

Hast. Not in the least, sir; but should thank you for information.

Tony. Nor the way you came?

Hast. No, sir; but if you can inform usTony. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, nor where you nor the road you came, the first thing I have to inform you is, that-you have lost your way.

are,

accommodate the gentlemen by the fireside, with-three chairs and a bolster?

Hast. I hate sleeping by the fireside. Mar. And I detest your three chairs and a bolster.

Tony. You do, do you?-than let me see -what-if you go on a mile further, to the Buck's Head, the old Buck's Head on the hill, one of the best inns in the whole country? Hast. O ho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, however.

Mar. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. Land. [Apart to Tony] Sure you ben't Tony. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold sending them to your father's as an inn, be as to ask the place from whence you came? you?

Mur. That's not necessary towards directing Tony. Mum, you fool you; let them find us where we are to go. that out. [To them] You have only to keep Tony. No offence. but question for question on straight forward till you come to a large is all fair, you know. Pray, gentlemen, is not house by the road side: you'll see a pair of this same Hardcastle a cross-grain'd, old-fa-large horns over the door: that's the sign. shion'd, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a Drive up the yard, and call stoutly about you. daughter, and a pretty son? Hast. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can't miss the way?

Hast. We have not seen the gentleman, but he has the family you mention,

Tony. No, no: but I tell you, though, the Tony. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trol- landlord is rich, and going to leave off busiloping, talkative maypole-the son, a pretty, ness; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, well-bred, agreeable youth, that every body saving your presence, he he! he! He'll be for giving you his company, and ecod if you

is fond of.

Mar. Our information differs in this: the mind him, he'll persuade you that his mother daughter is said to be well-bred and beauti- was an alderman, and his aunt a justice of ful; the son, an awkward booby, reared up peace. and spoiled at his mother's apronstring.

Tony. He-he-hem-Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that you won't reach Mr. Hardcastle's house this night, I believe.

Hast. Unfortunate!

Land. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but a keeps as good wines and beds as any in the whole country.

We

Mar. Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no further connexion. Tony. It's a damn'd long, dark, boggy, are to turn to the right, did you say? dirty, dangerous way. Stingo, tell the gentle- Tony. No, no, straight forward. I'll just men the way to Mr. Hardcastle's; [Winking step myself, and show you a piece of the upon the Landlord] Mr. Hardcastle's, of way. [To the Landlord] Mum. Quagmire-marsh, you understand me. Land. Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant-damn'd, mischievous son of a whore. [Exeunt.

Land. Master Hardcastle's! Lack-a-daisy, my masters, you're come a deadly deal wrong! When you came to the bottom of the hill, you should have cross'd down Squash-lane.

Mar. Cross down Squash-lane. Land. Then you were to keep straight forward till you came to four roads.

Mar. Come to where four roads meet? Tony. Ay, but you must be sure to take only one of them.

Mar. O, sir, you're facetious.

Tony. Then keeping to the right, you are to go sideways till you come upon Crackskull common: there you must look sharp for the track of the wheel, and go forward till you come to farmer Murrain's barn. Coming to the farmer's barn, you are to turn to the right, and then to the left, and then to the right about again, till you find out the old mill

Mar. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out the longitude!

ACT SECOND.

SCENE I.-An old fashioned House. Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four awkward Servants.

Hard. Well, I hope you're perfect in the table exercise I have been teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and your places, and can show that you have been used to good company, without stirring from home. Omnes. Ay, ay.

Hard. When company comes, you are not to pop out and stare, and then run in again, like frighted rabbits in a warren.

Omnes. No, no.

Hard. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make a show at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the plough, are to place your Hast. What's to be done, Marlow? self behind my chair. But you're not to stand Mar. This house promises but a poor re- so, with your hands in your pockets. Take ception; though perhaps the landlord can ac- your hands from your pockets, Roger, and commodate us. from your head, you blockhead you. See how

Diggory carries his hands. They're a little Mar. The usual fate of a large mansion. too stiff, indeed, but that's no great matter. Having first ruined the master by good houseDig. Ay, mind how I hold them: I learned keeping, it at last comes to levy contributions to hold my hands this way when I was upon as an inn.

drill for the militia. And so being upon drill- Hast. As you say, we passengers are to be Hard. You must not be so talkative, Dig-taxed to pay all these fineries. I have often gory; you must be all attention to the guests: seen a good sideboard, or a marble chimneyYou must hear us talk, and not think of talk- piece, though not actually put in the bill, ining; you must see us drink, and not think of flame the bill confoundedly. drinking; you must see us eat, and not think of eating.

mouthful himself.

Mar. Travellers, George, must pay in all places; the only difference is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad inns you are fleeced and starved.

Dig. By the laws, your worship, that's perfectly unpossible. Whenever Diggory sees yeating going forwards, ecod he's always wishing for a Hast. You have lived pretty much among them. In truth, I have been often surprised Hard. Blockhead! is not a bellyful in the that you who have seen so much of the kitchen as good as a bellyful in the parlour? world, with your natural good sense, Stay your stomach with that reflection. Dig. Ecod I thank your worship, I'll make a shift to stay my stomach with a slice of cold beef in the pantry.

and

your many opportunities, could never yet acquire a requisite share of assurance.

Mar. The Englishman's malady: but tell me, George, where could I have learned that Hard. Diggory, you are too talkative. Then assurance you talk of? My life has been if I happen to say a good thing, or tell a chiefly spent in a college or an inn, in segood story at table, you must not all burst clusion from that lovely part of the creation out a laughing, as if you made part of the that chiefly teach men confidence. I don't know that I was ever familiarly acquainted

company.

Hast. Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience.

Dig. Then ecod your worship must not with a single woman-except my mother.tell the story of Ould Grouse in the gun- But among females of another class, you room: I can't help laughing at that be! he! knowhe-for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twenty years-ha! ha! ha! Hard. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good Mar. They are of us, you know. Well, honest Diggory, you may laugh Hast. But in the company of women of at that-but still remember to be attentive. reputation I never saw such an ideot, such Suppose one of the company should call for a trembler; you look for all the world as if a glass of wine, how will you behave? A you wanted an opportunity of stealing out of glass of wine, sir, if you please. [To Diggo- the room. ry]-Eh, why don't you move?

one.

Mar. Why, man, that's because I do want Dig. Ecod, your worship, I never have to steal out of the room. Faith, I have often courage till I see the eatables and drinkables formed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle brought upo' the table, and then I'm as bauld away at any rate. But I don't know how, a as a lion.

Hard. What, will nobody move? 1 Serv. I'm not to leave this place.

2 Serv. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. 3 Serv. Nor mine, for sartain.

Dig. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine.

single glance from a pair of fine eyes has totally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow may counterfeit modesty, but I'll be hanged if a modest man can ever counterfeit impudence.

Hast. If you could but say half the fine things to them that I have heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college bed-maker

Hard. You numskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are quarrelling for places, the guests must be starv'd. O you dunces! 1 Mar. Why, George, I can't say fine things find I must begin all over again.-But don't to them. They freeze, they petrify me. They I hear a coach drive into the yard? To your may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, posts, you blockheads. I'll go in the mean time or some such bagatelle; but to me a modest and give my old friend's son a hearty wel-woman, drest out in all her finery, is the come at the gate. [Exit. most tremendous object of the whole creation. gone Hast. Ha ha! ha! At this rate, man, how can you ever expect to marry?

Dig. By the elevens, my place is quite out of my head.

Roger. I know that my place is to be every where.

1 Serv. Where the devil is mine?

Mar. Never, unless, as among kings and princes, my bride were to be courted by proxy. If indeed, like an eastern bridegroom, 2 Serv. My place is to be no where at all; one were to be introduced to a wife he never and so l'ze go about my business. [Exeunt Servants, running about, as if frighted, different Ways.

saw before, it might be endured. But to go through all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with the episode of aunts, grandmothers, cousins, and at last to blurt out the broad start-question, of madam, will you marry me? No, no, that's a strain much above me,

Enter MARLOW and HASTINGS. Hast. After the disapointments of the day, welcome once more, Charles, to the comforts I assure you. of a clean room and a good fire. Upon my Hast. I pity you; but how do you intend word, a very well-looking house; antique, behaving to the lady you are come down to visit at the request of your father?

but creditable.

Mar. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow Enter Servant, with a Tankard. very low. Answer yes, or no, to all her de- This is Liberty-hall, you know. Hard. Here's a cup, sir.

mands-But for the rest, I don't think I shall venture to look in her face till I see my father's again.

Hast. I'm surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be so cool a lover.

Mar. So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let us have just what he pleases.

[Aside. Hard. [Taking the Cup] I hope you'll Mar. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my find it to your mind. I have prepar'd it with chief inducement down was to be instrumental my own hands, and I believe you'll own the in forwarding your happiness, not my own. ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so Miss Neville loves you; the family don't know good as to pledge 1) me, sir? Here, Mr. Maryou; as my friend you are sure of a recep- low, here is to our better acquaintance. tion, and let honour do the rest.

Enter HARDCASTLE.

[Drinks, and gives the Cup to Marlow. Mar. A very impudent fellow this! but he's a character, and I'll humour him a little. [Aside] Sir, my service to you.

[Drinks, gives the Cup to Hastings. Hast. I see this fellow wants to give us

Hard. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which is Mr. Marlow? Sir, you're heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, to receive my friends with my back to the his company, and forgets that he's an innkeepfire; I like to give them a hearty reception er, before he has learned to be a gentleman. in the old style at my gate: I like to see [Aside. their horses and trunks taken care of. Mar. From the excellence of your cup, my Mar. [Aside] He has got our names from old friend, I suppose you have a good deal the servants already. [To Mar.] We approve of business in this part of the country. Warm your caution and hospitality, sir. [To Hast.] work, now and then at elections, I suppose. I have been thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the morning; I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine.

Hard. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you'll use no ceremony in this house.

Hast. I fancy, George, you're right: the first blow is half the battle.

[Gives the Tankard to Hardcastle. Hard. No, sir, I have long given that work Since our betters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there's no business for us that sell ale.

over.

[Gives the Tankard to Hastings. Hast. So then you have no turn for poliHard. Mr. Marlow-Mr. Hastings-gentle-tics, I find. men-pray be under no restraint in this house. Hard. Not in the least. There was a time, This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen; you may do indeed, I fretted myself about the mistakes of just as you please here. government, like other people; but finding Mar. Yet, George, if we open the campaign myself every day grow more angry, and the too fiercely at first, we may want ammuni- government growing no better, I left it to tion before it is over. We must show our mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble generalship, by securing, if necessary, a re- my head about who's in or who's out, than I do about John Nokes or Tom Stiles. So my

treat.

Hard. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Mar- service to you. low, puts me in mind of the duke of Marl- Hast. So that with eating above stairs and borough, when he went to besiege Denain. drinking below, with receiving your friends He first summoned the garrison within and amusing them without, you lead

Mar. Ay, and we'll summon your garrison, a good, pleasant, bustling life of it. old boy. Hard. I do stir about a good deal, that's Hard. He first summoned the garrison, certain. Half the differences of the parish are which might consist of about five thousand adjusted in this very parlour.

men-

Hast. Marlow, what's a clock.

Hard. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, he summoned the garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men,

Mar. Five minutes to seven.

Mar. [After drinking] And you have an argument in your cup, old gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall.

Hard. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy.

Mar. Well, this is the first time I ever Hard. Which might consist of about five heard of an innkeeper's philosophy. [Aside. thousand men, well appointed with stores, Hast. So then, like an experienced general, ammunition, and other implements of war. you attack them on every quarter. If you Now, says the duke of Marlborough, to George find their reason manageable, you attack them Brooks that stood next to him-You must have with your philosophy; if you find they have heard of George Brooks--I'll pawn my duke- no reason, you attack them with this. Here's dom, says he, but I take that garrison with- your health, my philosopher. [Drinks. out spilling a drop of blood. SoHard. Good, very good, thank you; ha! Mar. What, my good friend, if you give ha! Your generalship puts me in mind of us a glass of punch in the mean time, it prince Eugene when he fought the Turks at would help us to carry on the siege with the battle of Belgrade. You shall hear. vigour. 1) At the time of the conquest, the enmity between the Saxons and Normans was so great, that a Norman did not scruple to stab a Saxon, when drinking or otherwise not on his guard; and to such a degree was this arisen, that the Saxons used, when they wanted to drak in company, to appeal to a countryman to pledge to protect him whilst he was drinking. This custom has since passed into a sort of toast (an excuse for drinking).

Hard. Punch, sir!--This is the most unaccountable kind of modesty I ever met with. [Aside.

Mar. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, will be comfortable.